Please Choose Me

Do you know what it feels like to be let down by someone else?  Most of us do.  Can you remember the time it hurt the most and why it happened?  For me, I can think of times when I felt that the other person owed me some kind of loyalty or preference, whether I thought I'd earned it by doing them a favour it or acquired it through my relationship.  To feel over-looked for someone else who was chosen ahead of me can be a bit frustrating.  At times it can be a crushing disappointment.  Sometimes I question or doubt the basis of my friendship.  Sometimes a sense of rejection leaves me feeling lonely.

Chances are that this other person wasn’t fully aware how I thought that they were letting me down.  With hindsight, there were times when my expectations were unrealistic or even unjustified.  But today it doesn’t matter whether I was right or not, this blog is about the feeling of not being chosen.

Something occurred to me recently where I sat silently (well mostly) wishing ‘pick me’ thoughts.  I could have just said aloud what I wanted to happen and made it work out that way – but that wouldn’t be me being picked, that’d be me getting my own way.  There wouldn’t be any heart-felt picking going on.  What I wanted then was to be picked because I was chosen.

To be a little clearer about it, this came out of one of those unjustified moments that wouldn’t make me look good if the details were laid out, so I’m skating past bits of the story here to hold on to the main purpose of this, my first blog.

What occurred to me was that, moment by moment, day after day, in the decisions I make, I have a choices where I can pick Jesus.  I accept Jesus may not be overly bothered which biscuit I eat, so I’m not meaning every single decision, but you get the point.

Here’s the thing, the point of Blog #1.  As I slipped slowly out of my melancholic mood, a thought occurred to me that Jesus might be thinking ‘choose me’ quite a lot.  If it had been me that had died a painful death for the sins of all humankind, I might hope that everyone would remember my sacrifice, and kept remembering it every day and every time a decision was there to be made.  And I would be silently sending out vibes that shouted ‘choose me’.  Every time I was over-looked it would hurt a little.  Every time I wasn’t chosen I would wonder about our relationship.

Any of my ‘choosing me’ wishes aren’t worth the same if I make it happen by pushing myself forward.  It needs to be a genuine preference to ‘choose me’, made out of free will.  I don’t often have miserable moments, but something good came out of this one because it made me think harder about the times when I don’t choose Jesus, and how it must hurt the one I profess to love.

Having a forgiving God, full of grace and love is not an excuse to minimise the hurt I kindly return whenever I fail to choose him.

I apologise to those who were looking forward to some light entertainment in Van Talk Blog #1.  I will do better next time.  I apologise to anyone who recognises in this blog my disgruntled reaction to a sense of not being chosen.  Most importantly, I apologise to Jesus for the many times I’ve failed to choose him.

May God bless us all